6 Political Prisoners and Lost Loved Ones" its banner declared, "You are not alone." The theme of this year's confab, "Protecting America Now," focused on the ostensible goal of saving the Republic from Marxist overreach and making government "so small we don't even know it's there," never mind the right's frantic efforts to strip half the population of bodily autonomy, kill Social Security and Medicare, slash LGBTQ/trans rights and ban every book they find icky, because who needs the police or fire department and "that's how a nation of 332,000,000 people works - like magic!" Many of the lunatic panels carried a whiff of end-of-times paranoia: "Open Borders Kill," "The Biden Crime Family," "No Chinese Balloons Over Tennessee," "The Red Menace Comes to the Americas,""Sacking the Woke Playbook," "The New Axis of Evil: Soros, Schwab, and Fink" - no we're not anti-Semitic why do you ask - and No Dominus Vobiscum,” or "the Lord is not with you.” “The Old Gods, Ba’al and Moloch, the god (sic) of death, are moving in,” intoned the President of Concerned Women for America. But the merch was as classy as ever: caps, buttons, t-shirts declaring "Let's Go Brandon," "Ultra MAGA," "I Could Shit A Better President," "Trump Forever," "God, Guns and Trump," and "Biden/Fetterman 2024: It's a No-Brainer." There was also a display for "Jan. With only about 2,200 attendees, CPAC's usually expansive swag-filled MAGA Mall was limited to one long table. Cue meme of them under a CPAC marquee reading, "We Are All Domestic Terrorists." Still, Schlapp did dubiously boast he was there with "possibly the most powerful man in Washington D.C.," seditionist embodiment of mediocrity Gym Jordan. The often palpable sense of insecurity surfaced in the first 15 seconds of Schlapp's opening speech as he noted, "There's a lot of chatter in the media about who's here and who's not here" - like Mike Pence, Kevin McCarthy and Ron 'What-Can-We-Ban-This-Week' DeSantis, who was instead attending a concurrent donor retreat with the Club for Growth that to some marked "shots fired" in a war for "the future of the party," such as it is. The seedy result: Many of its myriad speakers faced a vast, deserted wasteland of largely empty rooms, which both they and the cameras - Fox, nowhere in sight, was replaced by Newsmax and fringey outlets like Real America’s Voice, Proverbs Media Group, Lindell TV, Frontline Fl ash - labored hard to ignore. In what even the right-wing Washington Examiner dubbed a "less-than-triumphant" return to D.C., this weekend's CPAC, held at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center, was dogged by overpriced tickets - $300 to $7,000 ("Only 12 left!") - low attendance, nasty infighting, and lurid sexual assault accusations against its Chairman Matt Schlapp, who allegedly " grabbed the junk" of a former male staffer for now-vanished Herschel Walker. What else must we endure, you ask? Try the J6 Prison Choir. Topping it off was their barking mad overlord - "I am your retribution" - babbling about windmills, baby bonuses, flying cars. ![]() ![]() ![]() Shriveled but still stubbornly demented, it offered a carnival of vengeful, bigoted, delusional, fear-mongering crackpots of the far-right universe raging that a woke apocalyptic "they" - communists, trans people, drag queens, socialist rainbow flags - are "coming for you" to destroy your lives.
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